I'm not sure I'd want to.
I have no regrets over what I did or what happened. She was incredible, and everything I did with her was fantastic. But the grief I put myself through... It wasn't worth it. Maybe another place, another time. But not this time. Not yet.
I need a sign that what I did was right. I know it was right. Doesn't make the pain any less.
Everything reminds me of her. My heart hurt when I listened to music this morning, but I knew I had to keep listening until the pain was dulled, or I became accustomed to it.
I still can't stop thinking about her. I keep almost falling asleep in class, but I'm awake enough to know what's happening. I need rest.
Good rest. Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
HAILEYBURY
Haileybury College and Haileybury Girls College
Melbourne, Australia
ABN: 34 004 228 906 www.haileybury.vic.edu.au Keysborough Campus & Central Administration , 855 Springvale Road, Keysborough 3173. Phone: +61 (0)3 9213 2222. Brighton Campus, 120 South Road, Brighton East 3187. Phone: +61 (0)3 8599 2444. Berwick Campus, 138 High Street, Berwick 3806. Phone: +61 (0)3 8768 2300. This email, including any attachments, is confidential. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use, disclose, distribute or rely on this information. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and delete the email from your system. Confidentiality and legal privilege attached to this communication are not waived or lost by reason of mistaken delivery to you. Haileybury does not guarantee that this email is unaffected by computer virus, corruption or other defects. Haileybury monitors all incoming and outgoing email for compliance with its IT Policies.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Smartest, or strongest?
Either way, it was hard. It's tearing me up inside as I type this. I should be typing up an English essay, but this takes priority.
I know I'm going to feel like shit. I already do.
I want it to end. How could I be so stupid? How could I make such a huge mistake? How could I hurt her like that?
But it was necessary.
The amount of grief I cause myself over her...
It was killing me. I couldn't have lasted much longer. I wouldn't have lasted much longer.
I'll always love her. I always did. I always have. I've never doubted that.
But the amount of pain I put myself through, worried about every little thing in our non-existant relationship, and then the reminder that we were never in a relationship. That we wouldn't be in a relationship for at least another 5 months. I don't think I could have lasted the 5 months. Not without driving her away. Not without losing contact with myself. Not without losing myself. Who I really was. It's not healthy for one person in the relationship to need their partner more than they need themselves. And the pressure I added on her was unfair.
We both need this.
I'll hate myself for it for a long time. A very long time.
But it had to be done.
For her.
For me.
For the greater good.
-----
Erebus
Pursue the Darkness.
It's who I am...
It's what I do...
And it sucks.
I wish I had the willpower or the strength to change.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
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