What did I do?

I thought I did something wrong. I'm so pathetic. :( Why must her life revolve around me the same way mine revolves around hers? She doesn't feel the same way about me. She can't. But she will in time. I hope more than anything in the world she does. It isn't you. I know it isn't. You are the single greatest thing to happen to me, with Life coming in a far off second. There is nothing better in my life than you. There never has been. But the pressure builds up and I overreact. I can't stand being away from her. Talking to her fixes everything. Always. But being away from her... It creates a monster. And it tears at me, and eats away at me, leaving me just enough to barely stay alive (but occasionally wish I was dead) before we talk again. Fixing me. Healing me. Scaring away that monster and making everything right again. Only to leave me with the monster again. The longer I'm away from her, the more damage it does. How am I supposed to survive my Vietnam trip? 16 days, most of which I won't be allowed on a computer for. When I'm not out wearing a mask in front of everyone, pretending to be happy, I don't know what's going to happen. And what will happen when I get online and she isn't? I'll have a very limited time frame for talk. I hate this feeling. The clawing getting stronger with every minute. The pain builds up and explodes, before subsiding for another week. I feel like I'm not good enough. And apparently I'm not. You say you don't know how you'll do without me in Vietnam. You say you don't want to ruin the special bond. I don't know what to say or do. The pain I feel. I'm physically shaking. Rocking back and forth. I could have sworn you were the one. I'd give you anything. I'd give you everything. I'd do anything for you. It's not enough. ------ What's the point? Who couldn't see this coming a mile off? Me. I couldn't. I thought you were the one. I almost thought you were my soul mate. What's the point in trying? I literally have nothing. Nothing worth it. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to live for. You were it. For a time. That time is up. Let's see how long I can last...

Fear is the ultimate weapon

And sometimes there's no way to avoid it. Like when the person you love can't seem to accept it because they've been hurt a few too many times before. It just means I have to wait.I occasionally wonder if I can wait. It's not a question of whether or not I will. I will. There's no doubt about that. But can I? I love her more than anything in the world. I would do anything for her. I'd fight for her. I'd search for her. I'm not even sure I'd draw the line at killing for her. My world now revolves around her, and I'm not sure she completely understands that. If she's upset, I'm upset. If she's happy, I'm happy. I can't live without her, but I'm terrified constantly. Terrified of losing her. Terrified of making a mistake. Terrified of scaring her off. Terrified I might say something wrong, and cause her to hate me. (10:01:26 PM) redfindr495: I miss her, and I'm terrified constantly, and I don't know what I'm doing half the time. (10:01:51 PM) redfindr495: And I feel like I'm going to do something that will make me lose her and I'm terrified. (10:02:28 PM) blufindr: Love bites. (10:02:38 PM) blufindr: I have that feeling with Brian a lot more than I care to admit. (10:03:10 PM) redfindr495: And it doesn't matter how confident you pretend to be, the fear is constantly there. (10:03:22 PM) blufindr: I'm absolutely shit-scared that one day, I'll put my foot in it. Say one truly horrible thing about Amy, do something very much bad, and that's it. My one chance at happiness, poof. Gone, because of one moment of idiocy. (10:03:45 PM) redfindr495: Exactly. (10:03:52 PM) blufindr: And some days I can put it behind enough to truly enjoy myself. But then... then you remember the last time you fucked up. How perilously close you came to losing them the last time. (10:04:04 PM) blufindr: So you find yourself walking on eggshells around them. (10:04:07 PM) blufindr: I do know. (10:06:20 PM) redfindr495: And the last thing you want to do is walk on egg shells. (10:06:54 PM) redfindr495: Because with someone like Nynny, if I walk on egg shells then it makes her feel like I think she's too fragile to be told the truth, so I lose her then as well. (10:07:00 PM) blufindr: You want to be able to let loose with them. Be everything you ever wanted to be. But you can't be everything you want to be because you're too terrified, all the time. I want her to know how I'm feeling, but again I can't tell her myself because I'm too scared. It becomes a continuous circle of fear and it can't be stopped. I'm going to wait for her, because she's worth it. She is worth every second of my time, and no matter what happens I will fight for her. If I make a mistake, I will not let her slip away. She is my everything. Whether she understands it or not.