Saturday, February 13, 2010

Ah, the convoluted reality of life

It's impossible to comprehend.

Why do we feel the way we feel? Why do we feel the way we feel about certain people? What pulls us to some people more than others? Why do we keep returning to the same people?

Questions with impossible answers.

Instead, you need to take a small section of your life and control it. The only part you can control. Self control. I'm doing that now.

Coke is to be drunk on special occasions only.

If it is not a special occasion, Coke shall not pass these lips.

Time to take what little control I have over both my self and my life, and harness it.

I hope I can stick to it.

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Over a month.

Since I last posted. I've been doing some self reflection over the past week, looking back on the year. From this date last year, if I may list out everything that's happened:

I was heartbroken
I fell in love with Shannyn
I was heartbroken
I continued loving Shannyn
I was heartbroken
Cut off contact with Shannyn
Rebound
Met and began to like Cassie
Lost contact with the rebound girl
Fell for Cassie
Cassie manipulative and made me fall for what she wanted me to fall for, not her for her
Began contact with Shannyn again
Began disliking Cassie more and more
Still in love with Shannyn

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge that all my friends think my life is completely fucked up, and if they could avoid being forced to trade lives with any other single person, it would be me. Not someone caught tin the Haiti earthquake, not someone starving to death in Africa, Me. That doesn't really make me feel special.

Ness is coming over tonight for a few hours, but I have no idea what's happening. She just arrived.

Life is very, very, very complicated.

Why can't I just have a normal life, for once? Small family, a desk job, a mortgage. That sorta stuff. God knows I'll get there, but it's going to be a long, difficult, complicated, twisted, windy road.

Fuck it. Maybe I'll get there sooner than I think.

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Friday, January 1, 2010

Enough near death experiences...

Well, what an interesting New Years celebration.

Learnt the drinking game Kings. I quite liked my rule, though. If you sit down, you have to take 10 drinks. Proper drinks. It was quite funny to watch the 5 other drunk people swaying trying to avoid their chairs.

But that was later in the night.

The first few near death experiences were all from Ness driving. Only one was encouraged by me when a horrible song came on, and I requested that she kill us while we're still normal. It was actually a very fun drive.

Then we got in the pool. Almost drowning because I slipped with Ness on my shoulders, couldn't get my footing and when I finally did, she leant forward to get off my shoulders and let me breathe. But she's a lifesaver, so I wasn't too worried.

Then a trip to the hospital. Not for me, though. I stayed in the pool. Poor Ness and her gigantic arm bee sting, though.

Then there was jumping in the pool during a lightning storm with everybody, while drinking Beam and having fun.

It was after this that I was taught the game of Kings. I don't remember exactly how to play.

Ace - 7 Black: Drink that amount of mouthfuls from your own drink.
Ace - 7 Red: Select any person around the table to drink that amount of mouthfuls from their own drink.
8: Make you're own rule that must be followed. (The 3 rules we managed to make were:
1) Whoever says "What" must then take 8 mouthfuls of their own drink.
2) No sitting down. If you sit down, you must have 10 mouthfuls.
3) No females are allowed to talk at the table. If they did, for every word spoken, they had to take 3 mouthfuls. [there were 4 females, and 2 males playing.])
9: Topic card. You choose a topic and go around until someone goes out.
10: Thumbmaster. Any person with a 10 may put his/her thumb on the table, and the last person to do so must have a mouthful. This can happen at any time during the game, unless a person is already drinking.
Jack: Fountain. The person who recieves a Jack card must start drinking, followed by the next person, until every person at the table is drinking. You may only stop when the person before you stops.
Queen: Queen Bitch. You make a selected member of the table your bitch, and they must do whatever you command.
King: A glass stands in the middle of the table. The first 3 Kings must poor their drink into this glass, until it is 1/3rd full. When the glass is full of whatever concoction of drinks the Kings have chosen, the final King must drink it.

This game is subject to change, depending on the group of drunks you're with.

And then that guy went nuts. Screaming and raging and just going generally insane. The girls were terrified, I didn't know him well enough to try help calm him down, so I just positioned myself between him and the girls.

What made it even worse was when he got pissed off enough to get in his car and attempt to drive off, completely smashed off his face, swerving all over the road. We called the police to catch him beore he hurt anyone, but luckily he came back for his phone and his friends were able to calm him down.

Luckily, he didn't stay the night, but he did come back this morning to apologise for his behaviour, to everyone. He's coming to Merrijig with us, but has sworn off the alcohol for the trip.

We leave tomorrow, and I still haven't started packing. Holy crap! Eep!

It's going to be a fantastic trip. I can't wait.

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Destroying your childhood.

Imagine, if you will, an old episode of Scooby Doo, where the person in the costume runs around scaring people for the hidden treasure. The gang sets up a trap and everything goes wrong, but somehow, they catch the bad guy and everything is all good. Now imagine, that the guy in the suit, is not actually a suit, and it's actually a real monster. Now imagine that rather than scaring people, the monster is killing people. Let's keep imagining, now, that the gang shows up, sets up a trap and everything goes wrong. Not hard to imagine, since it happens in every episode, but this time, let's go with everything goes wrong, but they don't catch the monster. Instead, the monster chases them down, captures, and kills them. Let's take a small step back, now. Rather than just killing the gang, the monster tortures them, keeping them alive for days on end, and just before they die, he heals them before returning to the torture.

Currently, that's what it feels like is happening to me. Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong, and I am being tortured. Only instead of being tortured by a monster, I am torturing myself. I know it's my fault, but I must be on a horrible self-destructive streak, because almost everything I do makes things worse.

I hate myself.

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Monday, November 9, 2009

She'll never know.

She'll never know how important she was to me.

She'll never know how much I cared about her.

She'll never know how she made me feel.

She'll never know much I loved having her in my life.

She'll never know how much I loved talking to her.

She'll never know how beautiful I thought she was, every time I saw her.

She'll never know how much I admired her.

She'll never know how much I loved her.

But most importantly, she'll never know how much I hate myself for causing this.

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