I was depressed.
No matter how much I wish it, and no matter how much I dream it. No matter how much I explain it to you, you don't feel how I feel about you, about me.
You may never feel that way.
Am I wasting my time?
Am I waiting for something that will never be?
Am I in love with someone who only wants to torture me, and break my heart?
I don't know.
I don't.
I love you. You know this.
I want to be with you. You know this.
I wish I was already with you. You know this.
But it seems like you don't care.
You don't want to be with me.
You entertain my whims for a small time, but when it comes right down to it, that's all it is. You humour me, but when it counts, you don't care.
I set myself up this way.
I say things that trigger a response from you, and I already know what the response is. But it's never what I hope for it to be. And I know that it won't be. I know that it won't be, but I do it any way.
And then I question myself.
"What am I doing?"
I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Everyday, I set myself up for disappointment, and then I wonder why i get upset.
But it doesn't matter.
I guess it never mattered.
Will it ever matter?
In the state I'm in right now, I'm compelled to think "No. It will never matter."
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
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You know what, when you say shit like this, it isn't fair. Day after day for months you have put me in difficult positions, giving me ultimatums, guilt and your bullshit. I care about you and I do what I can but sometimes I feel you forget I am a person too, with my own life, one that, might I add and not to toot my own horn, is in a far more compromising situation than yours. Did your mother just die? No? Do you have somewhere to live next year? You do? You had family that would support you, take you in unconditionally and love you when you were 16? You did? Wow! You are so fucking lucky. Okay, you've got problems, Ben, but we've all got problems.
ReplyDeleteEvery single week we go through waves of this bullshit, and I love you and I try to be there for you, but I am just one person. One person who is arguably too young to deal with the pressure you give me. You gave me 6 months. I start seeing someone and you act like I'm cheating on you? We were never even edating. You do not fucking say "okay have 6 months. we will talk about it again in 6 months" and then start acting like we're married from day fucking one. I'm sorry if we misunderstood one another but I told you. I said weren't anything in particular. I can't help how you feel. It is completely beyond me, and it makes me want to just cut you out of my life instead of just indulging you and your petulant, needy bullshit. I don't know. Fuck.
and I know I'm a hypocrite for posting this as a comment when I chastised you for the same thing, but fuck it. I don't want to talk to you on IM right now.