Losing her would be like losing myself.

It's the only way to explain it. I can't say "It's as simple as that" because it's not simple. It's the most complicated thing I've ever considered. I'm terrified of her. No. Not of her. Of losing her. It scares me more than anything in the world. It is the most horrifying thought and it tears at me. I know she at least loves me. Not in love with me, but she cares and I'm important to her. It provides hope. And the thought of being with her washes away that fear. Holding her. Hearing her voice. Being in her presence. We'll be together. I can feel it.

She closed her account...

I panicked. Why would she do it? So I called her. "I just felt like I needed a break." A break from what? LiveWire in general? Me? Was it something I did? Did I push her away? Did I scare her away? I know I'm overreacting and being silly, but I can't help it. Her MSN fucks up, so I don't get to talk to her on there. I don't go on my email enough to have a proper conversation with her on there. LiveWire was my only option to talk to her. "I have alts (alternate accounts), I'll be around." When? When will she message me on LiveWire to say she's made an alt? Talking to her is amazing. Calling her was liberating. Hearing her voice makes my mind go blank, and I have to rethink everything I'm going to say. Without her... I feel lost. Yes. I understand it sounds a little obsessed, but that's because she has taken complete control over my mind. I can't stop thinking about her. I know the real reason she did it. She can't handle it, with everything that's going on in her life right now. So then why does it feel like my fault. Even though we're not technically together... It's serious for me. She's the only person I can think about and get an erection. I can't masturbate to porn. I just need to think about her. I know Linh will beat and berate me when she reads this. I don't care. It feels like the only thing I have to look forward to is a trip up to her which hasn't been organised yet. There will be no one else. There can be no one else. She's too perfect.

Vietnam and Cambodia

I decided to do an email to the three people who might actually read it and care, about my 15 day trip to Vietnam and Cambodia. Day 1: Flights, no sleep, everybody tired. Stuff happened. Cycled around the city and saw the water puppet theater. People fell asleep during the water puppets. People took embarrassing photos of people asleep in the water puppets. I avoided falling asleep. Day 2: Flew up to Dien Bien Phu. Went and saw the hill tribes people and how they livede. It was a sight to remember, even thought I almost forgot about it. Remember talking to Billy (Tour guide) and Manov (Teacher. Actual name Geoffe Steele. I called him Manov Steely, Manov for short. Bad joke, but it stuck for me.) And two of the girls, Fiona and Ailsa. Good D&M at the bar at night with my 5 cokes. Day 3: Dien Bien Phu still. Went and saw the museum. It rained. Hard. My camera broke. Day 3, and my camera doesn't work. Wonderful. Still able to take pictures, just the screens broken. Sat on a tank. Good fun. Day 4: Linh's Birthday. Called her. Wished her happy birthday, let her know I loved her (a part of me always will, but it's a best friend love now. Not a lover's love.) I forget everything after the phone call until the next day. So I actually did lose a day. Oops. Day 5: Left Dien Bien Phu. Where did we go...? Sapa. On Motorbikes. We motorbiked our way, 5 hours, not us driving, up to Sapa. The views were amazing. Spectacular. Incredible. More impressive words I don't know. It really was something to remember. The water falls and the landscape. Can't believe that was Day 4... I raced Manov, continuously trying to get in the front. Then Blake showed up, and he took photos of me dropping behind. I still got to the restaurant in Sapa first. So I guess I won. We then wandered around the town, seeing the minor sights, and market. It was all pretty cool. Did a bit of shopping. Day 6: The hike. My sisters birthday. Rain. White pants. Dirt. Okay it was more of a trek than a hike. We walked through mud and buffalo shit. I slipped once at the start and got a tiny bit of mud on my right ass cheek. That was at the start. I called April. Let her know I hoped she had a Happy Birthday I went ahead and helped everybody up the tough slobes, getting mud just above my shoes. On my white pants. But I trekked on, and helped more people. Then we came to the village. the path was now completely covered in mud and buffalo shit. Step - Rock. Step - Rock. Step - Rock. Step - No rocks - knee deep in mud and buffalo shit. Stumbling through that mud and buffalo shit, I gave up. Bring on the mud. Bring on the shit. My shoes are full.My white pants are ruined (or so I thought) and I just couldn't care any more. In fact, for good measure, why not smear some on my face? So I did. Continued walking through the mud and shit. Later discovered there was an easy route. An easy option. So as to avoid all the mud and shit. Billy thought we'd enjoy the scenic route more. We did. But only a few days afterward. Good fun. Hung out in Sapa for a little while before heading back to Hanoi. Great fun, I guess. a few hour train trip before arriving in Hanoi at 5am. That was... not fun. Day 7: Arrived in Hanoi at 5am for half a day, before heading on to Hoi An. Arrived in Hoi An at about 9pm. Hello, relaxation. Day 8: Tour of the old quarter in Hoi An. Not much to see really, and not much to do except search for Tam Tam's Bar and hang out there, while everybody else got suits and dresses made. Found the cafe and had lunch with Billy, Sandra, Jimmy and Hally (Miss Hall, Teacher). Not the bar. Billy then told us where the bar was. Swimming. No sun burn. Day 9: The beach. Sun tan. Sun screen. Sun burn. Pain. Sun burn so bad, my hands turned purple, literally and I was "as red as a lobster" by the time I got out. Arrived back at the hotel room and didn't realive how bad it was. Hurt like hell. Cooking class. That was fun, until we started eating what we cooked. It wasn't bad, per se. But one of the girls thought that a chilli, cut into the shape of a flower was capsicum. She ate it and got juice all over her face. The teachers weren't there to help. To cheer her up, Khan and I smeared it on our chins. It hurt like hell. Good times. Day 10: Our last night in Hoi An. Fashion show for all the people who got stuff made. Mostly free time for the rest of the day. If it wasn't, I can't remember what we did before the free time. I didn't partake in the fashion show. I didn't get anything made, but also the pain from my shoulders was excrutiating. Left Hoi An and flew down to Ho Chi Minh city. Did a tour of the city, still in extreme sun burn pain, but not as bad as the day before. Went to the War Crimes Museum. Less full on, but still very confronting. The horrors the Vietnamese people went through, including civilians is terrifying. The transformation from a human into a soldier that could do... What so many soldiers did, not only willingly, but smiling. It's disturbing on so many levels. Then we went to the markets to cheer everybody up. All was well. Day 11: Just the one night in Ho Chi Minh city. Left and began our transit to Phnom Penh. By Bus. Long ride. Was asked to be one of the girls entourage, was then fired because I was too far away to stop her bag from falling over. Entertainment ensued. Did a tour of the city. It was a hole. A real hole. A slum. Horrible. Not a place you want to stay. Day 12: Killing Fields. S-21. Not places you go with small children. The cloth is still buried in the ground. The bones have not all been removed. You can see them as you walk over them. As you step on them. The blood still stains the roof of S-21, where people have been tortured so violently that the blood has sprayed up, and become stuck. Cemented in the roof. Cemented in the memories of those that have seen it. The photos of the victims is haunting. It's not something you can think about for a long time. Day 13: Transit. A 10-hour bus ride from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap. We stopped off in a nice little area called Spider Village. Bragging rights: I ate 3 whole tarantulas. Not delicious, exactly... But Bragging rights are bragging rights. Than came the live tarantula. It was on my hand, fine. It stepped on my wrist, Hell no. "Get it off. Get it off now. Right now. Remove it. Take it. Get rid of it. Now!" It was removed and all was good. Then... Then. I got Issy to put it on my hat. Which I was wearing. I could feel it. It was sitting in the center, but I was still frozen. Half kneeling, sticking my ass out. They got a photo when it was on there, and Issy began removing it. Then... Something struck my ass. I screamed. Not really screamed. More yelled. It was terrifying. Shut up. Arrived in Siem Reap. We went to one of the temples before they closed, the one used in Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie, back when she was semi-hot, and sane. We managed to get to another temple just before sunset and watched it from the top. It was beautiful. Got a night time tour of the city, after the "Award ceremony" conducted by the teachers. Khan and I then gave out the teachers presents. It was a grand night. Siem Reap is beautiful. The next big tourist destination. And they know it. Day 14: Angkor Wat in the morning. Amazing. Breath taking. Closed off at the top. Lame. We couldn't climb to the top, which was one of the highlights from the trip two years ago. Still good though. Went straight back to the hotel, Packed our bags, checked out and got on a plane to Singapore. Day 15: Singapore Airport. Flight home. I arrived home at 11am. It was a great trip. But I missed Shannyn a lot. -------- Who am I kidding, I still miss her. I can't stop thinking about her. For my 18th birthday, I'm getting a car. I don't want it... I just want to fly up to Darwin and see her.

It's that time again...

Which is good, because I haven't blogged in a few days. It's all good between me and Nynny. Still in love. Still going at it. So Jack and I decided to level some lowbies together... Using RAF. 8 hours total played time, and we're already level 40. That's fairly impressive, even if we are instancing up, getting run through on my Druid and wearing shitty grays. It's good fun. My parents found out I had had suicidal thoughts recently. Damn Downie Mondays. I don't enjoy feeling like that every week. I'd go insane if I did it all the time. Went and saw a doctor about it to get a referral, and there's a place in South Melbourne that specialises in this kind of stuff. Not looking forward to that if I have to go, though. ---------- Vietnam in a few days. I'm meant to have packed my bag tonight. Guessing that didn't happen, due to immense leveling power of me and Jack. I'm looking forward to going, but I'm not looking forward to leaving her. Especially now. I have her phone number and I plan on sending one SMS a day, but still. The conversations we might have, but can't. :( It's a good trip, but it sucks that I won't be able to spend as much time with her. I will miss her. It will be hard to control myself with her phone number and everything. But a $500 phone bill after 3 days will not look good, so I won't have much choice. ----------- In the long gap between writing this post, playing CS:S and talking to Nynny, I accidentally came up with this: I give to you, my heart to hold. And if you would, please be so bold. To place it on the mantelpiece, because you know it's not for lease. As time goes by, I begin to feel. That this is such a special deal. I know this as we both grow old because I give my heart to hold. It just sort of happened. Good night, I guess.

What did I do?

I thought I did something wrong. I'm so pathetic. :( Why must her life revolve around me the same way mine revolves around hers? She doesn't feel the same way about me. She can't. But she will in time. I hope more than anything in the world she does. It isn't you. I know it isn't. You are the single greatest thing to happen to me, with Life coming in a far off second. There is nothing better in my life than you. There never has been. But the pressure builds up and I overreact. I can't stand being away from her. Talking to her fixes everything. Always. But being away from her... It creates a monster. And it tears at me, and eats away at me, leaving me just enough to barely stay alive (but occasionally wish I was dead) before we talk again. Fixing me. Healing me. Scaring away that monster and making everything right again. Only to leave me with the monster again. The longer I'm away from her, the more damage it does. How am I supposed to survive my Vietnam trip? 16 days, most of which I won't be allowed on a computer for. When I'm not out wearing a mask in front of everyone, pretending to be happy, I don't know what's going to happen. And what will happen when I get online and she isn't? I'll have a very limited time frame for talk. I hate this feeling. The clawing getting stronger with every minute. The pain builds up and explodes, before subsiding for another week. I feel like I'm not good enough. And apparently I'm not. You say you don't know how you'll do without me in Vietnam. You say you don't want to ruin the special bond. I don't know what to say or do. The pain I feel. I'm physically shaking. Rocking back and forth. I could have sworn you were the one. I'd give you anything. I'd give you everything. I'd do anything for you. It's not enough. ------ What's the point? Who couldn't see this coming a mile off? Me. I couldn't. I thought you were the one. I almost thought you were my soul mate. What's the point in trying? I literally have nothing. Nothing worth it. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to live for. You were it. For a time. That time is up. Let's see how long I can last...