Reality Check

"She said you mean alot to her, and she really cares about you, but it isn't an internet relationship and she doesn't really want you to try and 'woo' her."

I'm guessing that means she wants nothing more than friendship.

I can't be just a friend and watch her be with someone else. I have to leave.

I can't leave.

No matter what I do, my heart gets broken.

And my world comes crashing down around me.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

"Harden the fuck up"

Because I'm way too sensitive, and the second time I watched this, I felt like crying. I mean seriously... What the fuck?

Just in case it doesn't work...

Although I must admit it's very well done, and the lack of voice acting adds to the effect on the audience, it's from explosm.net... Anything from them is hardly "cry-worthy".

And yes, I am going to be that guy in this situation, one day in the future:
"Today, I went to watch the Movie "UP." At one point in the movie I got really sad and started to cry a bit. The 7 year old girl next to me noticed and told me to shut and man up. FML"
Not really looking forward to it, but it's bound to happen to me. Good fun.

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On a side note, I'm really hungry. Only 30 mins until I head down to the shops (which is only a 5 minute walk), and get "lunch", and some snack stuff for all 2 people spending the night. Of the 4 that I invited, 3 will show up, 1 has to leave at 10:30, since he has a lecture tomorrow, and 1 can't come. No idea why.I have all of 4 friends that can actually make it to celebrate my birthday all night, 1 can't come, 1 leaves early. Fun... I do plan on having a real party when I get back from Vietnam in November, but that will be after I've planned out how to get to Darwin, and what else I'm going to do for the rest of my summer, before being forced to work.
Lets see how that goes.

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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know how to act.

I don't know how to be anything other than what I am.

But you need me to be something else.

And I want to be something else, for you.

Because what I am is destroying me. And it tries to blame itself on you, but I know it isn't you. It really is me.

And I don't want it to be me.

Please. Help me change. For you. To be what you need.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous

I wasn't grumpy.

I was depressed.
No matter how much I wish it, and no matter how much I dream it. No matter how much I explain it to you, you don't feel how I feel about you, about me.
You may never feel that way.
Am I wasting my time?
Am I waiting for something that will never be?
Am I in love with someone who only wants to torture me, and break my heart?
I don't know.
I don't.
I love you. You know this.
I want to be with you. You know this.
I wish I was already with you. You know this.
But it seems like you don't care.
You don't want to be with me.
You entertain my whims for a small time, but when it comes right down to it, that's all it is. You humour me, but when it counts, you don't care.
I set myself up this way.
I say things that trigger a response from you, and I already know what the response is. But it's never what I hope for it to be. And I know that it won't be. I know that it won't be, but I do it any way.
And then I question myself.
"What am I doing?"
I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Everyday, I set myself up for disappointment, and then I wonder why i get upset.
But it doesn't matter.
I guess it never mattered.
Will it ever matter?
In the state I'm in right now, I'm compelled to think "No. It will never matter."
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness

Posted via email from Erebus's posterous

So many things that can go wrong.

There's so many things that can go wrong with a person. Let's take a quick look at me.

I am:
- Neurotic
- Paranoid
- Obsessive
- Posessive
- Depressive
- Weak
- Self-centered
- Self-absorbed
- Selfish

And I'm doing this all for pity, so I guess we should add that up there.

I walked away. I tried to walk away. I lasted less than 12 hours. I went back. And now...

Now let's look at what I'm worried about right this second:
- What if she likes him better than me?
- What if she prefers him to me?
- What if she never speaks to me again?
- What if she forgets about me?
- What if they made it official?
- Would there be any point in me going up to Darwin to "sweep her off her feet"?
- Did I ever have any real chance with her?
- Do I still have any real chance with her?
- Toay we spoke about our "relationship...
- Was that just a joke?
- Did I take more seriously than her?
- Do I take it too seriously?
- Is she just messing with me?
- She acts like she loves me.
- She tells me she cares.
- She doesn't want to hurt me.
- Why does this happen, regardless?

And yet...

We all have our outlets.

I just never realised what I had to do to calm down. To feel better.

But I feel better now. I just hope it lasts. And I don't have to do it every time I feel like this.

But if I do, it's not hurting anybody. I hope it's not hurting anybody.

I guess we'll just have to see.

Posted via web from Erebus's posterous