I understand that eating and drinking bad food and drinks is not good for me. So when I say "But it's delicious..." Don't turn around and say "It's not healthy". I never said it was healthy... I said it was delicious! There is a big difference. I know it's not healthy. That doesn't mean it tastes bad. Yes, there is healthy food that tastes good. But there is also unhealthy food that tastes good. Why can't people accept that?
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On a completely different subject. Am I losing touch? I realise my internet goes to shit every 15 minutes, or less, at the worst possible times, but even then... Am I losing touch? We're great friends IRL, when we can mess around and attack each other with pens and what not, but on the internet... It seems like we have nothing to talk about. She'll find a random news story or a cute picture and that's what we talk about. If it's not that then it's about all the problems we both have.
I don't know any more. I'd prefer we had something to talk about other than our problems or random news stories and how cute random animal pictures are. Sure we can talk about random shit for a little while, but it dies out fairly quickly.
Oh, I know she loves me. But sometimes it's hard to
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And then there's Shannyn. I can't talk to her because she doesn't want to, I think. I don't know. I send her a message on LW and she doesn't reply. Oh, I know Linh will berate me for it, but I don't care.
It just seems like I'm losing touch with everybody. I'm losing everything. I'm losing hope. I'm losing everything.
It seems like there's a battle in my head and I'm losing. With every attack, the monsters in my head get stronger. I get weaker.
I watch TV. I live out my life. I do what needs to be done. But I don't feel it. I'm not motivated. I just don't.
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I'm struggling. I need help. I don't know that I can get through this. I've pulled myself out before, but it gets harder and harder every time. I know I can't do this alone. I've always relied on my best friend to help. But she can't help over the internet. I see the school shrink every week. Sometimes more than once, every week. I'm meant to be going to an outside school shrink, but every time I tell my Mum to make an appointment, she makes an excuse. "I've been too busy this week", "I called the school shrink to get a recommendation on who you should see", "You seem so happy" - That's how depression works.
I can't call for an appointment myself, because:
1) I don't have the number
2) I'd have no way of getting there.
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I'm struggling to get through this. I don't know that I can do this much longer.
I won't do anything to stop myself. I know that much. But I think I'd feel much better off just giving up and fading into the back ground.
Dedicated (Demo 1999) - Linkin Park
Although the verses have very little relevance, the chorus is mostly relevant to me.
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I'm not sure what I'm doing any more. I need help that I'm not getting, and I don't know that I can handle it. I can put on a happy face and pretend it's alright, but it's not true.
Everyone expects me to be happy, because I'm "so lucky with my loving family, and friends", but I don't feel lucky.
I don't know what I'm doing any more. I need help.
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Erebus
Pursue the Darkness
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